The Great Experiment

today I revisit my old blog and breathe new life into my expression once relegated to the past.

I continue to explore the intricacies of human society, bound by social law, invisibly but real. My intention was to become a truth, to return a fact as it had been asked. And yet, this is impossible in society. true freedom cannot be found, so I am left to wonder if it was even there in the first place. Do I truly have the right to be myself? Is the truth of my life, my thoughts and my feelings only for my own benefit. Why did god give me thoughts, so powerful in my own head, but ones which could never see the light of day without persecution and apology. If I am a good person, and I continue to have these horrible thoughts, these murderous, adulterous, perverse thoughts, than what of others? Am I truly good?
I find solace in the silence, in the science, but not among others. I am confronted, not with questions about fellow people, but about myself. I realize now, human connections and self worth are not functions of how others perceive us, but of how we perceive the perception of others. Because if others were to see us as terrible, we can change the people, we can remove them. People become defensive when others prove injures.
it's not the communication, but the lack thereof. the silence, the absence of connection to people passing by. The person that walks by you in the bar, that looks away when your eyes meet. The perception of being unperceived can destroy us. Because, in the end, all the world is our perception.
And this is why my mind destroys itself, hiding my own thoughts. There are a certain set of "social norms", forged by thousands of years of interaction and social negotiation. The thoughts and feeling consistent with those norms are expounded and fill our world. Those who exercise purity, kindness, morals and righteousness are held in the highest regards by society. But when someone is held aloft, we all expect and anticipate the fall. Which is the proof that we all experience the negative, twisted feelings I have grown to accept and yet continue to fight within my own heart. We wish others would fall because we need to know we are not a pariah who's feelings will forever be restricted to the abyss of the mind.

The truth fails, not because we are unable, but unwilling. And that is why I have come to adore the dark heart of humanity. The fetishes, the perversions, the alternatives and the outcasts. Because only on the outside, where our words can be dismissed, may they be spoken. Truth has no place in society because the ability for large bodies of individuals to grow and cooperate relies on social normality that each member can follow as a language to interact with all other members. Even in deviant societies that I have become familiar with, social norms arise are rebuilt from the members.
But continued thought is extraneous. These words have already been spoken by people greater than me in a time long ago. The important things, as always are terse

The internet is a society, rebuilt from the ground up with new social norms.
There are places devoid of social norms such as 4chan
Only in these places can we analyze the world around us
These places are like our minds, free from restriction and completely anonymous
By exploring the web, in the most devious places, I can explore my own mind
The closest our society comes to the truth is the interplay between the social norms of society as a whole and those of deviant societies.
We possess no right to the truth in societies, that is not the purpose of society
When truth is espoused in a society, it will be judged and subject to the social norms
Consequences will be applied as is social custom, this is unavoidable
Consequences of social norms and just actions are independent
A social norm which is not just can be destroyed by a truth

What makes us a hero is to speak the truth, in the face of consequence, in the pursuit of justice

From my first law
We must do the right thing because it is the right thing to do

There is infinitely more depth to this argument in my head, which is why it helps to write it all out. But mroe than likely these pages will never be read. I am too much of a coward to speak these "truths", and I hesitate to post the link to my blog on facebook. There seems to be something all to emo about the concept. However, if nothing else, these blogs allow me to place mind to paper and better understand my own mind. The bottom line is, everyone knows the truth, but that doesnt give you a right to say it and not expect a consequence. People in general dont give a shit about the truth and neither does society. And so it lingers, like this blog. Waiting for someone to stumble upon it or seak out the answers, queitly and in the privacy of their own mind.

If I had to give one piece of advise, I would say: Be honest, not truthful.


Next post: Cowardice

Glass world

Some days I feel like I'm in a glass world. Like everything and everyone around me is so fragile I have to watch every damn step just to keep from hurting someone. But it feels good every now and then to let out and see just how strong I've become. To realize that nothing limits me except for myself and to see that if I need, to I can do anything I want. Sometimes I just need to breath and feel my strength, I can't take having to watch out for others emotions. People are so fragile, I'd rather if someone tried to become stronger instead of begged me to look out for their weakness. Becoming stronger is what I expect from myself and so I suppose I expect it from others too.
I'll never stop being a good guy but sometimes I need to remember that's a choice, not fate.

My weekend

Hey blogger. It's been a long weekend. It was really good and I think something weird is happening inside me. I had a great time with Jennifer at the play which really made me laugh and then we came back and had some intimacy which was nice. I think I'm finally feeling comfortable with her, everything feels good. I didn't get as much work as I would have liked done this week but I did have a good time and I feel less stressed. I thought it might be prudent to write to you instead of pat. I almost began writing to him like I used to but that would be unnecessary. Things have been going better when we speak less. Naturally I still have unrequited love with kathleen and I don't know how to deal with that but I am one day at a time. School sucks as usual but I'm trying not to let it get to me. I've been practicing karate a lot less which most likely isn't good for me but it's another thing I've had to stop worrying about. I feel good but paranoid. Well, I hope everything turns out ok. I could go on about this weekend forever but I think it's better I get some sleep.

Busy Monday

Hey mein blog. Todays the first day of my new job and it's going to be a busy day at best. Jennifer and I got to spend the night which is always nice. I only wish I wasn't so physically attracted to her so that I could say more jokes and watch tv. But it really was nice. I might even get a little while to work out today which would make my day. I have reading in most my classes and a little homework in dynaimcs

Damn

Damn blogger I am so busy I feel like I've been knocked back a few rows on Maslows Pyramid of needs. I have to meet Jennifer's parents tonight and do all my work. I'm going to explode or die. Who knows. I'll be burned out by ten and then I'll just write to people or something. Wish me luck.

Depression

Hello mein blog. I don't care how happy or strong I seem to my friends. Or even that I'm usually a little depressed and neurotic. Tonight I'm seriously depressed and I don't know why. I think I'm really, really lonely. My best friend pat and I, I don't know, we never talk like we used to. I know her tries his best to put up with my patheticness but I feel like a parasite most the time. Maybe I shouldn't be talking about stuff right now since I'm so depressed. I just need less work on my shoulders, more free time from the people down here and something exciting to do by myself. I need something to talk about so my friends will actually want to talk to me. I don't know why, I just feel like killing myself. Feels like my life is over even though everything has fallen into place. I guess I just don't really have friends. Real friends that I like to hang out with like pat and kathleen. I need one of those really bad. Jennifer is nice though but she's just not quiet that friend yet. I don't know what to do blog. I could end it but then I'd just be back at square one. I'm really scared about my homework this week too but I'm so neurotic tonight all I can do is play battlefield 2 and it makes me compound the sadness. And tomorrow on my drive home, my time for myself my roommate and a friend have invited themselves for me to drive an hour off course to drop them off. Fuck those guys. At least my job was postponed till monday and karate will only be once a week now. I just feel like collapsing and crying. I hope this feeling dies or I will.

Jennifer

Hey blogger, I had a long talk with Jennifer and it feels like everything is going to be alright. We always go through these cycles of stress and relaxation and I guess it makes out relationship strong. I promise to work hard never to take her for granted and to try and relax. Thats all for now mein blog. Goodnight